A visit to the health club

Picture this: you've just entered the changing rooms to prepare for your workout. Naturally, as a foreigner, you are an object of curiosity to others in the room. Different body shape! Strange clothes! Speakee the Engrishee! You are slowly getting used to the stares (or crafty use of changing room mirrors), when out of the corner of your eye you spot her - the ajumma. Clad only in her birthday suit, she moves toward you at speed, zeroing in on you like a fat kid on a cupcake. Approaching you, she launches into a long and incomprehensible speech in high-speed Korean about her son who is studying in Boston (Massachubatts, presumably) and peppers you with questions that your present 50-word Korean vocabulary is ill-equipped to deal with. 

A difficult situation under any circumstances, it becomes considerably more traumatic the moment she pauses to present one of two seemingly innocuous objects. That's right - the small Korean gym towel, or the common hairdryer. The former is wielded at both ends and used to vigorously 'floss' mid conversation. The hairdryer -  although an effective conversation stopper - is used to dry between the legs, rather than the head. This is best achieved by placing one foot high up on the counter top - particularly traumatic if you happen to be at close range. 

Let it be said, I have nothing against nudity. However, being verbally accosted by a naked, foreign-language speaking woman who is either flossing or drying in close proximity is certainly an experience. I guess it is things like this that make my time in Korea so memorable ... just another idiosyncrasy in the land of the morning calm.

But, dear readers. It doesn't stop there. Visiting a Korean health club is a very different experience to Western-style gyms for a number of reasons. These include:

• Micro-towels. No bigger than a tea towel, they don't offer much in the way of coverage, but as discussed, nudity is a totally accepted and expected way of life in Korea. 
• Showers are communal, and shower rooms look suspiciously like what I expect you might receive at Her Majesty's Pleasure. Dropping the soap probably isn't such a concern however.
• Generally speaking, nobody breaks a sweat. Vigorous exercise is rare - men come here to pump iron and women come to walk at snails pace on the treadmills and gossip.
• Cell phones are an essential exercise tool. Towel - check. Workout clothes - check. Water bottle - check. Cell phone - check. If I had a dollar for every time I've seen a workout stopped to answer a phone call or text message I'd be a millionaire. 
• Women walk backwards on treadmills. Yes, they haven't actually realised the same effect can be achieved using a cross-trainer, without the need for public humiliation. They spend up to half an hour walking backwards, which commands total and utter concentration. One foot wrong and not only will you go shooting off the end and into the lap of the guy on the bike (who's probably on his cell phone and wouldn't notice), you've got an excellent chance of cracking your head open in the process. The very same thing happened last year in my gym, and the woman was knocked unconscious and an ambulance was called.
• Clothing is provided. Women work out in orange t-shirts and grey shorts, and men wear blue. Interestingly, the men's t-shirts are far too short, but this seems to be the fashion. As a rule, if it doesn't stop around your belly button you're not Korean enough. 
• Man love is everywhere. Men straddle each other to provide support and spotting when lifting weights. They spend considerable amounts of time in front of the mirrors lifting each other's shorts and shirts to admire, touch and compare muscles. Again, there's nothing wrong with this (and I'm certainly not complaining!), its just something that you really wouldn't find in a western-style gym
• Some of the machines inside the gym are ... interesting. Vibrating belt machines are all the rage and provide considerable entertainment for yours truly. There is also a strange contraption that allows you to hang upside down for long periods of time. It is not uncommon to see someone leisurely perusing the Korea Times with their feet pointed at the ceiling and blood pooling in their head. If anyone is able to enlighten me as to the health benefits of this I'd be very grateful!

 

Melt away that fat ... or at least entertain those around you while you give it a good jiggle

In short, Korean health clubs are interesting. I find myself with plenty of time to observe as I sit on the bike for my 40-minute solo waygooken spinn class (breaking a sweat even, heaven forbid!). I'll miss my gym when I leave - I quite enjoy a lot of these little idiosyncrasies and I suspect I'll be suffering reverse culture shock on my return home!