A visit to the health club

Picture this: you've just entered the changing rooms to prepare for your workout. Naturally, as a foreigner, you are an object of curiosity to others in the room. Different body shape! Strange clothes! Speakee the Engrishee! You are slowly getting used to the stares (or crafty use of changing room mirrors), when out of the corner of your eye you spot her - the ajumma. Clad only in her birthday suit, she moves toward you at speed, zeroing in on you like a fat kid on a cupcake. Approaching you, she launches into a long and incomprehensible speech in high-speed Korean about her son who is studying in Boston (Massachubatts, presumably) and peppers you with questions that your present 50-word Korean vocabulary is ill-equipped to deal with. 

A difficult situation under any circumstances, it becomes considerably more traumatic the moment she pauses to present one of two seemingly innocuous objects. That's right - the small Korean gym towel, or the common hairdryer. The former is wielded at both ends and used to vigorously 'floss' mid conversation. The hairdryer -  although an effective conversation stopper - is used to dry between the legs, rather than the head. This is best achieved by placing one foot high up on the counter top - particularly traumatic if you happen to be at close range. 

Let it be said, I have nothing against nudity. However, being verbally accosted by a naked, foreign-language speaking woman who is either flossing or drying in close proximity is certainly an experience. I guess it is things like this that make my time in Korea so memorable ... just another idiosyncrasy in the land of the morning calm.

But, dear readers. It doesn't stop there. Visiting a Korean health club is a very different experience to Western-style gyms for a number of reasons. These include:

• Micro-towels. No bigger than a tea towel, they don't offer much in the way of coverage, but as discussed, nudity is a totally accepted and expected way of life in Korea. 
• Showers are communal, and shower rooms look suspiciously like what I expect you might receive at Her Majesty's Pleasure. Dropping the soap probably isn't such a concern however.
• Generally speaking, nobody breaks a sweat. Vigorous exercise is rare - men come here to pump iron and women come to walk at snails pace on the treadmills and gossip.
• Cell phones are an essential exercise tool. Towel - check. Workout clothes - check. Water bottle - check. Cell phone - check. If I had a dollar for every time I've seen a workout stopped to answer a phone call or text message I'd be a millionaire. 
• Women walk backwards on treadmills. Yes, they haven't actually realised the same effect can be achieved using a cross-trainer, without the need for public humiliation. They spend up to half an hour walking backwards, which commands total and utter concentration. One foot wrong and not only will you go shooting off the end and into the lap of the guy on the bike (who's probably on his cell phone and wouldn't notice), you've got an excellent chance of cracking your head open in the process. The very same thing happened last year in my gym, and the woman was knocked unconscious and an ambulance was called.
• Clothing is provided. Women work out in orange t-shirts and grey shorts, and men wear blue. Interestingly, the men's t-shirts are far too short, but this seems to be the fashion. As a rule, if it doesn't stop around your belly button you're not Korean enough. 
• Man love is everywhere. Men straddle each other to provide support and spotting when lifting weights. They spend considerable amounts of time in front of the mirrors lifting each other's shorts and shirts to admire, touch and compare muscles. Again, there's nothing wrong with this (and I'm certainly not complaining!), its just something that you really wouldn't find in a western-style gym
• Some of the machines inside the gym are ... interesting. Vibrating belt machines are all the rage and provide considerable entertainment for yours truly. There is also a strange contraption that allows you to hang upside down for long periods of time. It is not uncommon to see someone leisurely perusing the Korea Times with their feet pointed at the ceiling and blood pooling in their head. If anyone is able to enlighten me as to the health benefits of this I'd be very grateful!

 

Melt away that fat ... or at least entertain those around you while you give it a good jiggle

In short, Korean health clubs are interesting. I find myself with plenty of time to observe as I sit on the bike for my 40-minute solo waygooken spinn class (breaking a sweat even, heaven forbid!). I'll miss my gym when I leave - I quite enjoy a lot of these little idiosyncrasies and I suspect I'll be suffering reverse culture shock on my return home!

Desiderata

A thought for the day... clearly not my own, but rather that of the illustrious Max Ehrmann. Food for thought, a little something to warm the heart - chicken soup for the soul. Enjoy!

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

- Max Ehrmann, 1927

A sad goodbye – the curse of Wee Jock Poo Pong McPlop?

So I’ve officially passed the nine-month mark of my contract and have less than three months left in the land of the morning calm. I have to say it is bittersweet – in some respects I am really looking forward to getting home and seeing family and close friends again, but I will also be sad to leave behind life in Korea. Undoubtedly, I am ready to leave. My tolerance has been wearing thin of late, but I guess that’s part and parcel of living in a foreign country and having been ‘on the road’ for almost four years. And possibly old age! I’ve been traveling and living away from home for some time now and I can quite safely say I have gotten the travel bug out of my system – well, at least the long-term strain of it anyway! My return to New Zealand from Korea will include Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Malaysia, Borneo and Brunei – a trip I have been wanting to do for quite some time!

It’s funny how easy it is to forget how lucky I am to experience life in another country (or indeed, even ‘life’ at all). Lately I’ve been guilty of perhaps not embracing life quite so much as I should – something I fully intend to do in my remaining three months.

Last week I had an email to tell me that a good friend and former colleague had passed away unexpectedly in London as a result of an accident. Vivacious, vibrant, unique,, infinitely positive and very well known and respected in his field, his death will leave a huge void for many, many people. I’ve never met another person quite like him and possibly never will again. We had our differences at times (both being as stubborn as mules) but he had a heart of gold and was generous almost to a fault. When I broke my leg, he dropped everything at work and came with me in the ambulance to the Royal London Hospital where he sat with me for hours, held my hand, mopped up my tears and tried to lift my spirits with some atrocious jokes until a diagnosis was finally made. I distinctly remember sitting outside the x-ray room awaiting my turn, listening to his tale about how lucky I was not to have broken my femur – in his thick Scottish brogue he vividly recalled how his friend had suffered a broken femur a few years back and he was “hoowlin’ like he’d ne’er heard befoor”, and how it was literally months before he was back on his feet. No sooner had he finished this sobering tale, I was x-rayed and informed that my femur was broken. It was one of the only times I ever saw Greg speechless.

Surely, he was no saint either. To echo the words of his best friend, he was opinionated, uncompromising and perpetually late. He and I were similar in this regard (although I am very rarely late!) and at times his vocal opinions on some issues (including my life!) frustrated me no end. But, that’s what made him who he was. A Scot through and through, a colleague and most importantly, a friend, he will be in my thoughts for a long time to come, and the world is undoubtedly less bright without his presence. I’m sure right now he’s up there, propping up heaven’s bar quoting Robert Burns and giving The Almighty a stern lecture on the state of Scottish football and his sub-standard selection of Scotland’s finest. Rest in peace, Greggie.

Farewell, dear friend ! may guid luck hit you,
And, 'mang her favorites admit you!
If e'er Detraction shone to smit you,
May nane believe him.
And ony De'il that thinks to get you,
Good Lord deceive him.
- Robert Burns